my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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