So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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