You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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