he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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