woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
