You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
