Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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