My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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