Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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