I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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