I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
