She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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