FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
well most of my day revolves around power hour
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
