I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
