Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
