omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
