i love accidental penises.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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