Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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