i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
