You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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