we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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