it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
