i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
