you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
