my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
