it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
