Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
