dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The adults are the big ones right?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
