I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
