you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
