She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
