woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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