i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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