apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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