I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
