On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
no more duck duck goose at the bar
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Randomize
