Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
