So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
