I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
