On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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