My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
