I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
