Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
