I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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