I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Sober January is a disaster.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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