Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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