I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
