Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
