I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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