I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
