When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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