I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
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It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
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I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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