I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
