I haven't been this sober since birth.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
