operation harelip BJ is a go
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
