I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
