How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
