My cat gives me a boner
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
