I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
