It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Randomize
