According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
