Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
