I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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